On a scale of one to Freaking Out, I am currently at “out-of-my-mind-and-making-cookies-all-the-time” (which, for the record, registers somewhere around an 8.2).
You see, we were supposed to close on our new house last Friday.
Then we were supposed to close again today at 4:00.
It’s looking like that won’t happen either (although it *could* change if I get The Call in the next four minutes…which I doubt).
The fact is, I am not great at waiting, at least not when the situation is out of my hands. If you give me a situation that I have at least SOME control over, I can be a fairly reasonable individual when it comes to the whole patience-in-waiting game.
When I have done literally everything I can, though, the best that I can, and then it’s all up to some force other than my own will, well…that’s when we get trouble. Like, I-just made-my-fifth-batch-of-cookies-in-a-week-and-a-half trouble. And done all the dishes. And taken Raven to a nonexistent play group in the rain (for the record, the play group usually does, actually, exist—but due to the rain, we were the only ones there today).
Basically, I’ve done anything I could think of that had nothing to do with the new home because now, I’m starting to get a teensy bit nervous…what if our best wasn’t enough? What if, by some sick twist of fate, this doesn’t actually end up working out, even though everything seemed to fall so perfectly into place so that it would, in fact, work out?
I’m trying to work on being a more patient wait-er. To be better at not losing hope or getting super frustrated when things don’t work out in the timeline that I expected.
I’ve been trying to be better at embodying this quote (one of my favorite of favorites) about patience (from one of my church leaders, Dieter F. Uchtdorf):
“[P]atience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”
I am doing great at the not-passively-resigning myself bit:
I just need to work on the whole “bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed” thing.
So I guess I’ll just be over here, waiting.
Waiting to (hopefully) close on a home.
Waiting for my body to return to normal so I can (hopefully) get pregnant again.
Waiting for the day when my need to bake ALL THE COOKIES isn’t present every second of every day.
But man, is it hard sometimes.