Thoughts on Babies and Having a “Mother Heart”

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Obviously it’s been no secret (if you read Wednesday’s post) that I’ve been a little gloomy, woe-is-me lately. Then today, after a third hour that dragged as slowly as tar drips (for me anyway—I can’t speak for my students), I was just rejoicing in the fact that there’s a weekend ahead of me that involves Leatherby’s and a baby shower and a photography shoot and time with my family in Bountiful.

Then, to further lighten my mood from its dismal, January-ish state, I read this post on Bon’s blog all about the tender mercies she’s experienced lately from her Heavenly Father when it came to dealing with the anniversary of her dad’s death (seriously, you have to read it).

And you know what?

I needed a reminder of that today.

I needed to be reminded that despite my own bad mood, I still have been experiencing multiple “silver linings” that have largely gone uncommented on because I’ve been Mrs. Grumpy-Pants.

Let me share one such example with you.

Since I was young, I always felt like I was never a “normal” girl—I never really liked weddings, I positively loathed bridal or baby showers, I usually said whatever was on my mind when it came to dating instead of “playing the dating game,” and I absolutely had no idea of what it felt like to be “baby hungry” (although I knew that one day I wanted to have a family of my own).

Most of the time, these things never bothered me, but since getting married, I have felt an often-unspoken pressure that I “should” be baby-hungry or that I “should” be looking forward with great anticipation to the day that I’d become a mother. When other women talk about how they’ve always had those types of feelings or that they can’t wait to start a family, I always feel a little inadequate, like I was born with a screw loose in my brain (or my heart) or something.

Now, don’t get me wrong—it’s not that I don’t want those things for myself, but rather that I just never felt that intense desire to have those things NOW.

Honestly, this is how it’s always been in my life with major decisions—when my Heavenly Father wants me to be ready for something (like getting married or serving a mission), he prepares me so that I’ll FEEL ready (especially if I never felt ready (or even desired) some of those things before, or at least not for a long time). It’s kind of hard to explain, but I think it’s because He knows that I’m not one to just jump into anything willy-nilly—I’m the type that has to be 100% sure before I commit (but once I’m committed, I’m going all the way).

Because I’ve often felt guilty because we’re waiting a little longer than some people to start our family, I’ve prayed often for the past two and a half years to be blessed with “a mother heart” and the desire to have children. For months and then years, those feelings didn’t come, and I was happy to admire other people’s babies and then hand them back when a certain time had elapsed, hoping that someday those feelings would change and that I wouldn’t just have to force myself into the whole motherhood thing without really having the desire.

But lately, I’ve noticed a subtle shifting in my feelings towards the matter—-although I’m not 100% there, my feelings HAVE drastically changed over the past few months, which I know is my Heavenly Father’s way of prepping me for upcoming changes and starting the internal process that will eventually lead us to want to start a family NOW.

Now, this is not to say that these things will happen soon (or that we’re trying to have them happen soon)—-this is just me recording that my Heavenly Father does answer prayers, in His own time and in His own way.

And I’m beyond grateful for the knowledge I finally have that the path I’m on right now is right for us—even if it’s not the right path for everyone.(And I’m beyond grateful to finally know that THAT’S OKAY.)

I hadn’t planned on sharing this on my blog at all, but I felt like I should if for no other reason than for my own memory.

Thanks for reading.

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