Greetings from the middle school, where I am currently in the middle of a very LOOONG Teacher Prep Day. You know what’s sad? That I first rejoiced when I heard that we were having a Teacher Prep Day (because when I was a student, that always meant no school). Of course, the second it dawned on me that, DUH, I WAS the teacher, my day immediately got a little gloomy. And now here I am, buried to my ankles in creative writing final projects and argument essays just waiting patiently to be marked up all over with my glaring red pen.
So, to give you a little entertainment this chilly Wednesday, I’ve decided to share with you some of the more colorful lines from my students’ argument essays. (Just for some background–for the argument paper, I gave my students a scenario depicting what quite obviously was going to be a crime scene involving a bank robbery, and they had to argue what they thought was going to happen next and why).
***Disclaimer: all mistakes are theirs, not mine 🙂
[Talking about the suspect wearing a hat as a piece of evidence]
“If that man has a hat on he does need to take it off before he goes in to the bank. That is not nice just to go in to the bank with a hat on. You should at least take it off before you go in to the bank. So the man is a Robber.”
“The man has a green baseball cap and he keeps walking and then he lowers his head down. He is up to something right now. When somebody comes in with a hat on and lowers his head down, run away because he is a robber.”
“He could’ve been wearing that hat because he has a skullet and was embarrassed by it.”
“He found that green baseball cap in the garbage it used to be white but then somebody threw it in the trash and it got fungus and mold on it and eventually turned green and he grabbed it out of the trash so people couldn’t see his face”
“Sure maybe he has a ugly face and maybe that mite be it, but you never know, maybe if the bank clerk wont give him the right amount of money then the guy who is in the brown jacket will freak out.”
[Talking about keeping the car unlocked as a piece of evidence]
“If you do not lock your car what does that mean. What would you do if someone stole your car whose fault would it be? not you’re Dads or your mom’s fault it would be your fault. If you like having your car stolen then keep it unlocked and running.”
“This guy didn’t lock his car when he walked in, he also parked it right in front of the bank and those are true facts. Then you might say that, that is not suspicious, but if you hide your face as you walk in that is a whole new kind of suspicious.”
[Hand in pocket as evidence]
“He is putting one of his hands in his pockets. That can only mean one thing: he is holding a gun in his pocket.”
[Redundancies & Cliche Mix-Ups]
“As a rule, people don’t walk with their head down unless they are sad or not happy.”
“Before he committed the crime, he checked his surroundings to see if the ghost was clear, then he walked on ahead towards the bank.”
[Other theories of what is happening besides the man robbing a bank]
“The boy could be getting bullied. This boy dresses like a teenager, and teenagers aren’t very smart.”
“The man is a baseball player and earlier he lost his job as a baseball player then he drove to the bank and will cash a check.”
“The man is a hobo and stole a guys winning lottery ticket. The evidence that this is true is: his clothes, the paper he is holding, and where he is going.”
“The man is a spy for the bank he is entering. Some people might argue that the small paper in his hand could be a death threat. Though that may be true, usually a threat is very big and bold. In fact, something that big would not fit on the small piece of paper in his hand.”
“He is a spy so he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s a spy. No he’s not a spy he is trying to rob the bank! Because he was wearing Baggy Slacks and only like gangsters wear like baggy clothing. Also spies wear nice Church like clothing.”
“Some people might argue that lots of people wear baggy pants/shirts; lots of people have depression so they keep their heads down, and he forgot to lock the door. That doesn’t matter because how often do people have that many problems?”
“As a rule, people don’t normally carry little pieces of paper into a bank, unless they’re trying to rob the bank. This means the man is going to rob the bank the “easy” way.”
“The guy in the brown jacket will rob the bank. He will shoot everyone, and then steal all the money, and last, he will drop the note on the ground. Then he will get plastic surgery and move out of state.”
“This man, let’s call him Bill, is going to rob the bank. Guess that means we need to have a conversation.”
“How to Rob a Bank:
Step 1: Go in and act normal.
Step 2: Hold up the gun and tell everyone to get down on the ground and fire two shots.
Step 3: Ask for the money once you have it get out of there as fast as possible.
P.S. Don’t let anyone see your face.”
Which one is your favorite?