Well, it happened this year – I hit the big 4-0.
I’ve honestly been thinking about the milestone for months. Maybe even years.
I mean, I feel like I was a bit contemplative as I hit 20 and 30, but they were nothing compared to what turning 40 has felt like. Sure, some of it has been the kind of stuff you see in the culture around us — the realization that your body is not reacting like it used to ten years ago or that the gray hairs seem to be coming on fast and furious or that you keep walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there. There’s also been the expected stuff like the somewhat natural urge to look sideways at what everyone else looks like at this age and wondering how you stack up.
I’m not huge on comparing myself to others (never really have been), and perhaps that’s why the urge once I got closer to 40 took me by surprise.
But once all that was over and done with and I kind of just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well, I’m happy with my life choices, so I guess we can move on from THAT,” I hit a different kind of reflection…a much more fruitful one.
You see, my 30’s were really, really hard. Honestly, I don’t think I could possibly have known how hard they were going to be on nearly every level. It felt like every time we began to get our feet underneath us again, they’d be knocked right back out again, with challenge after challenge hitting us fast and furious.
I definitely had to learn about how “nervous system regulation” is a real thing in my late 30’s, just to feel like I could function normally again. I definitely had to do a ton of internal work so that I wouldn’t endlessly be caught up in anxiety or perfectionistic or overthinking loops for all of time. I especially had to learn to be kind to myself.
But as I came up on 40 and was over the comparisons and the almost panic at coming to terms with my age, I also felt a great excitement I hadn’t felt in a long time. Like that my 40’s were what my 30’s were FOR . . . All that hard stuff? All that hard-won growth? It was paving the way for something amazing, something deeply fulfilling. A greater ability to feel contentment. A desire to reach outward again, with more grace and less judgment than before. A courage to go after big dreams and have hard conversations and embrace more fiercely and forgive more readily.
And I feel a new kind of confidence that comes with age and with experience and with being proud in general of what I’ve done with my life. I haven’t been perfect and I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve also genuinely put forth my best effort into the things I prioritize, and I am proud of the fruits that have come from it.
I have a wonderfully fulfilling marriage that has come from being forced to walk through the fire of adversity over and over again together. Rather than our trials pulling us apart, they’ve only brought us closer, and I can say today just like I could say on the day I got married that I’ve married my very best friend, and that choosing him as my forever partner is the very best choice I’ve ever made.
I have four beautiful children whom I delight in — who teach and embrace me every day, and who constantly open my eyes to all the wonder right around us. I love their enthusiasm for learning, their zest for creative pursuits, and their endless curiosity. What a gift to be a mother.
I have built a business literally from the ground up that fully supports my family. That wasn’t my original intention when I started my flower farm, but it has been a wild and exciting journey to see all the steps that have brought us here. Being a business owner has taught me so much about myself and has brought me so many stretching experiences and amazing people into my life. I am proud of having built something beautiful, that supports so many other small business owners as well as puts money directly back into my community. I love getting to feel like what I do matters here in this small town.
There are a lot of things I would like to have MORE of in my 40’s — more time for exercise and taking care of myself, more travel and new experiences, more pockets of time where we slow down as a family just to enjoy each season we’re in. But a powerful realization I had around my birthday, when I thought it probably seemed weird to everyone else that we really didn’t do much to celebrate our 40th birthdays (Matt turned 40 five days before I did) was this —
I don’t feel like I need the big celebrations or the fancy trips or the new things to look forward to as much I used to, because I’ve built my daily life in such a way that I don’t need an escape from it. I love what we do. I love that I get to work with Matt every day and that we’re together all the time. I love that our kids get to help us work on the farm and build these skills while we’re forming all these memories. I feel like in some ways, my life does look different at 40 than maybe what I imagined — but honestly?
It’s even better than I dared hope for.
Sure, our days are exhausting and full and beyond busy, and I think it will be a long time before I feel like we have a super dependable financial situation.
But this is what I literally dreamed of doing for years, and now I get to do it day in and day out. I literally got exactly what I wanted.
And while sometimes “getting exactly what we want” doesn’t always feel exactly like we thought it would, I feel an immense gratitude for having the chance to live it at all.
It’s a beautiful life.
