Today has been one of Those Days.
You know the ones I mean—the one where from the get go, you feel like you’re failing in general at this thing known as Adulthood and Life in General (or at the very least scraping by with perhaps a D+).
And then things pile on top of that already-lowered and rather fragile, bird-like thing known as your Personal Ego, like finally taking your daughter into the Instacare and finding out that she has a double ear infection (after passing it off as “just teething” or “just a cold” for almost a week now), followed by a nightmarish trip to the store that started with the intention of picking up just the antibiotic and ended with me almost in tears with customer service as they tried to figure out why I didn’t get the discount at the register that I thought I would on the last-minute impulse purchase of more baby food (while all the while, the annoyance of the cashier radiated toward me–despite my profuse apologies for not having calculated my purchases better–until she was “rescued” by a colleague who basically just made me feel like an idiot for arguing over a $5 difference in price).
I cried in the car, unable to even enjoy listening to the particularly exciting Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix scene playing over the car speakers.
I wondered how on earth I’m ever going to feel all right with the idea of adding a second kid when I have days like today and can barely keep it together as a semi-functioning adult (not that those fears have any place right now, seeing as how the news at my doctor’s appointment last week was that I might be on the methotrexate longer than I’d hoped, putting any plans of pregnancy right out of the picture for several more months anyway).
I wondered how on earth I’m going to deal with being a stay-at-home mom in about 8 weeks when it took me almost a week (and me being on spring break) to realize my daughter needed true medical help that I just kept brushing off.
I wondered how on earth I’m going to be the kind of role model I want to be for my daughter when the first thing I did when we got home from the stress of the afternoon was plop her in front of a movie and stuff a handful of Hershey Kisses in my face.
Let’s be honest–
I’m still wondering these things. I put “wonder” in the past tense up there, hoping for some great big breakthrough revelation that I could neatly seal this post off with.
Between the snot and tears, it’s not coming.
The fact is, it was an adjustment going back to work, and it will be an adjustment staying at home full-time again. It was an adjustment becoming a mom, and it will be another adjustment when we’re ready to start thinking about adding another kid into the mix.
And some days will just be hard, and that’s just part of the equation.
But I hope that somehow through all the adjustment and change and hard-ness of it all, I will still be able to trust that deep down, this is really the Right Thing for me to do right now.
I really can’t expect more than that.
Thursday, I’m ready for you to come already.